Way back when I first started writing for API Speaks, I wanted to write a piece about what to do when you don’t like breastfeeding. That is, you’re physically capable of it and the mechanics of it are going okay, but you don’t enjoy it, and for whatever reason, want to continue anyway. For example, one woman I talked to had a baby that was slightly premature and born right before flu season; she felt breastfeeding reduced his chances of getting sick. Another mother breastfed, despite not enjoying it, because of a family history of serious food allergies. Or you could be like me and just be cheap. I didn’t want to pay for formula.
Briefly, when I was pregnant with my first child, I always knew I would breastfeed. I never even considered doing otherwise. If I’d had any misgivings in the first place, hearing stories from other mothers would have convinced me. They all talked about how much they loved nursing, and how they cried when they had to wean. Many who couldn’t nurse felt guilty or like they’d missed out on a crucial part of being a new mom. I also seem to be acquainted with a lot of mothers who continue to breastfeed until their child is 2, 3 or even 4 years old.
So you can imagine my shock when my baby was born and I didn’t fall in love with nursing. Sure, there were some bumps in the road, but eventually I figured it out and while I would never have called it easy, it was definitely do-able. Both my babies were good eaters and latched with no problems. Neither was a colic-y baby or a reflux-y baby. While I do take medication for a thyroid disorder, regular pumping kept my supply up.
But…I didn’t like it. I enjoyed the time I spent with my babies, but I never felt like breastfeeding was a critical part of that time. I would have been just as happy feeding with a bottle.
I still can’t quite put into words exactly what it was that I didn’t like. Maybe it was something to do with being exhausted all the time because I was always sitting in a chair with a feeding baby. Maybe it was having to, by default, get out of bed at 3AM, even if I was sick as a dog, because my choices were either feed the baby or use the pump while my husband bottle fed the baby. Maybe it was resentment that the magical experience that everyone had promised never materialized. Maybe I felt stuck. Who knows. I stuck with it because I figured I never intended to nurse much past a year anyway, and it was just one year of my life. Since my body was capable of producing enough milk, I felt sort of obligated to continue instead of paying money for formula. And what sort of lactivist would I be if I gave it up because it wasn’t warm and cozy, when so many moms desperately want to breastfeed and can’t?
In the end, my body took care of making the choice to wean for me. Once my cycle returned, my supply dipped and then disappeared altogether. The first time around, I stuck it out for a couple of months, popping herbal supplements and cranking up the pump more frequently, but eventually I had to admit defeat and buy the formula. When the same thing happened with the second baby, a little earlier this time, I didn’t try too hard with the fenugreek and the machine. I was ready to be done, ready to have my body back, ready to do the bottle thing and be happy about it.
Fast forward a couple of years, when I intended to write about this topic for API Speaks and wanted a professional to give me a good meaty quote or two. I put out feelers here and there and while I heard from dozens of women who knew exactly what I was talking about, not one lactation consultant, nurse or doula would speak to me. One LC suggested that maybe I was a victim of abuse and that’s why I had such negative feelings. Not true. She thought maybe a lack of support contributed, but that wasn’t true either. My husband, my mom, my friends were all incredibly supportive and knowledgeable. She put forward more guesses, but none of them panned out. Finally, confronted and bamboozled by the idea of a woman who just did not like breastfeeding, for no apparent reason, she retreated and declined to comment on my article.
The thing is, I KNOW I’m not unusual and that my experience wasn’t all that weird. Over and over again, I hear from mothers who did not enjoy breastfeeding. Some quit. Others, like me, stayed with it. Looking back, I’m glad I made the choice that I did. But I’m still a little put out that the whole thing was so sugarcoated from the very beginning. If it’s not that uncommon for nursing moms to not be crazy about it, why didn’t anyone ever mention it? And why did so many so-called breastfeeding supporters act like I was a liar, a weirdo, a leper, a traitor to womankind? Like the cover-or-don’t-cover controversy, why was I left feeling like I was “doing it wrong?”
What helped, besides comparing notes with other moms, was keeping it in perspective. My life with babies was otherwise happy, my children were healthy and thriving and feedings were just one aspect of our days. It didn’t have to be forever. I set goals. I would breastfeed for 3 months and then reevaluate. 6 months and reevaluate, etc. It made it easier knowing I could stop at any time. Introducing solids helped too, because that eventually did reduce nursing time. And while I hated pumping, it was comforting knowing I had a supply in the freezer so I could get out on my own from time to time. When the time came to stop for good, I felt satisfied, knowing I’d given it my best effort.
I’d like to hear from you. Did you have a similar experience? If so, how did you deal with it, and how did others react if and when you discussed it?
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