A couple of weeks ago, Justine wrote about coming to terms with an unexpected pregnancy at API Speaks.
I'm coming to terms too, but I'm not pregnant. Instead, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more babies.
There's nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with my husband, nothing wrong with my fertility. We have two children, a boy and a girl, and we have decided that those two will be it.
Sometimes it's an easy choice to come to terms with. Like when we've spent an exhausting day with two cranky children and bedtime didn't go as planned and tempers are flaring and we're burnt out and the idea of one more kid is just too crazy.
Or when we packed up practically half the house for a four day trip to the beach and my husband surveyed the mound of sand toys and clothes and gear and food that needed to be packed into our minivan and commented, "Good thing we've only got two kids."
Or when costs for everything from gas to groceries to fees for preschool are soaring and we're constantly watching the bottom line to make sure we're not overextended financially. A third baby would mean we'd definitely have to move to a larger house, as the two kids we already have share a room, and there would be doctor's fees and food and clothes and everything else to pay for.
Other times, we wonder if we're making the right choice.
Like the rainy day when we spent the afternoon watching home videos and the babies in those films seemed so long gone.
Or when I see my brother and sister-in-law experience all those wonderful firsts with their one-year-old son, who is walking, starting to talk and learning and changing every day.
Or when I realize that in one short year, my oldest child will go off to full day kindergarten and I'll only have one child at home with me, and that in three short years, both of them will be in school full time and I'll need to make some decisions about what to do with myself.
When we weigh the pros and the cons, most often, we decide that our family feels complete with two kids and that adding more would upset the balance we've so carefully worked for. By stopping at two, we can fully focus our energies on nurturing and loving them and meeting their needs without feeling parental burnout, or sacrificing our marriage or our health.
And so, we're proceeding as if these two will be our only two, and that means that I have some personal feelings to wrestle with. While I'm happy with my two, it's a little sad to think that I'll never feel a baby move inside my belly again, never breastfeed a fiercely hungry newborn again, never witness first steps or hear first words again. I look at my breast pump, shoved way in the back of my closet, and wonder if I'm really ready to give it away or if we should hang onto the changing table just in case.
It's a process. The last time I babysat for my nephew, I dearly loved having him around, but while my almost five-year-old loved him, my two-year-old was decidedly jealous. Plus, the effort it took to get three kids into jackets and shoes and out the door was exhausting, and trying to feed all three of them at once meant I didn't get to eat at all.
But while my breast pump is still in my closet and I still have my maternity clothes, I gave away all the infant toys and passed along my daughter's highchair to my brother.
Perhaps the changing table will be next.
I'm coming to terms too, but I'm not pregnant. Instead, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more babies.
There's nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with my husband, nothing wrong with my fertility. We have two children, a boy and a girl, and we have decided that those two will be it.
Sometimes it's an easy choice to come to terms with. Like when we've spent an exhausting day with two cranky children and bedtime didn't go as planned and tempers are flaring and we're burnt out and the idea of one more kid is just too crazy.
Or when we packed up practically half the house for a four day trip to the beach and my husband surveyed the mound of sand toys and clothes and gear and food that needed to be packed into our minivan and commented, "Good thing we've only got two kids."
Or when costs for everything from gas to groceries to fees for preschool are soaring and we're constantly watching the bottom line to make sure we're not overextended financially. A third baby would mean we'd definitely have to move to a larger house, as the two kids we already have share a room, and there would be doctor's fees and food and clothes and everything else to pay for.
Other times, we wonder if we're making the right choice.
Like the rainy day when we spent the afternoon watching home videos and the babies in those films seemed so long gone.
Or when I see my brother and sister-in-law experience all those wonderful firsts with their one-year-old son, who is walking, starting to talk and learning and changing every day.
Or when I realize that in one short year, my oldest child will go off to full day kindergarten and I'll only have one child at home with me, and that in three short years, both of them will be in school full time and I'll need to make some decisions about what to do with myself.
When we weigh the pros and the cons, most often, we decide that our family feels complete with two kids and that adding more would upset the balance we've so carefully worked for. By stopping at two, we can fully focus our energies on nurturing and loving them and meeting their needs without feeling parental burnout, or sacrificing our marriage or our health.
And so, we're proceeding as if these two will be our only two, and that means that I have some personal feelings to wrestle with. While I'm happy with my two, it's a little sad to think that I'll never feel a baby move inside my belly again, never breastfeed a fiercely hungry newborn again, never witness first steps or hear first words again. I look at my breast pump, shoved way in the back of my closet, and wonder if I'm really ready to give it away or if we should hang onto the changing table just in case.
It's a process. The last time I babysat for my nephew, I dearly loved having him around, but while my almost five-year-old loved him, my two-year-old was decidedly jealous. Plus, the effort it took to get three kids into jackets and shoes and out the door was exhausting, and trying to feed all three of them at once meant I didn't get to eat at all.
But while my breast pump is still in my closet and I still have my maternity clothes, I gave away all the infant toys and passed along my daughter's highchair to my brother.
Perhaps the changing table will be next.
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10 comments:
This is a really touching post about a tough decision I know we're going to face eventually. I could live without having to make so many grown up decisions.
We thought we were just having two, we ended up with three, then the Mr. had surgery so we wouldn't have four. and I still mourn the fact that I will not have more babies. Even at the same time as I know I don't really want more babies.
What a great post! When I was planning my life as a teenager, I had two kids and life was perfect. But now, with one INSANE (just kidding, I love her, but OH MY GOD) child, there are a lot of days where I think, maybe one's enough. But then I think about all of the things that we'll miss out on. It is so hard to decide.
I'm with Stephanie; too many grown-up decisions, indeed. We have also stopped at two, one boy and one girl, which is always what I said I wanted. But lately, as my 8-year-old seems increasingly adult, I find myself cracking open those baby albums. Then again, I think having a third at this point might make me an extremely cranky mommy day to day, which would not be good for anyone.
I think every woman will have those "I miss nurturing a baby" thoughts till the day we die...it's inborn into us as Mother's. But I think everyone just "knows" when it's time to be done. And who know's if 'something' were to happen after that decision (i.e. vasectemy babies...I know a few!) then you'd find your balance and routine in that as well and wonder how you'd ever lived without that baby too. I personally think it's a choice that you can't loose with!
P.S.-we have 3 and we're soooo done...many days I think about the fantastic mother I was when I only had 2 but...also can't imagine my life w/o my Gabriella. :)
The decision not to have any more kids was much more difficult to make than I would have ever imagined. I wrestled with it for a long time and in the end I let my husband go through with the surgery but I went through a period of mourning before and for a while afterward. I have two amazing, happy, healthy children. I'm not guaranteed that in a third and my kids already demand a lot of attention, who knows what adding a third to the mix would bring. Not to mention that right now we are comfortable. I can afford swim lessons and soccer but I couldn't if we had a third. I couldn't do a lot of the things that we currently do if there were more of us. I would be perfectly happy if we, by some miracle, had another baby but I'm also perfectly happy with the way things are. My husband was the deciding factor for me. He was adamant that he didn't want any more children. Plus, everyone I know with 3 said the third one put them right over the edge. It's taken me a while, and though I still feel a pang of regret every now and then, I'm content with the decision we made.
we thought we where done with our two girls and lo and behold along came Adam, and later Shawn. I wouldn;t trade them for anything. All babies are blessings and a gift from god. Ihonestly wish I was a bit younger and could have more, God never gives you more then you can handle.As far as not enough space I can understand that our house is large but it gets cramped with all of us here,but to me its cozy. and hey sooner or later you are going ot have to get a three bedroom house or turn a basement into a bedroom, I doubt the kids will be sharing when they are teens:-) Hey my mil did it in a townhouse wiht five boys so if she can ayoen can.
This is a decision that I struggle with as well. Most of the time, I think that we are done with 2. My husband is adament that we are done. And if we had a third, we'd need to renovate or move, and there all the other financial aspects that everyone has already mentioned. But at the same time, I don't always feel like I'm done. I want another baby, as crazy as that makes me, because I can't hadle the 2 I already have. And Kylie was born to be a big sister. I love the idea of watching her grow in that role and help me mommy a little baby. But I doubt I'll ever talk my husband around, so it's probably a moot point!
There are regrets either way. We chose the side that lets us have the fewest regrets, and the most sanity. I don't miss the baby stuff (much) and am already missing the Kindergartener & 1st grade years...as we head into 2nd grade this fall.
Sometimes, knowing when "enough is enough" is the better part of parenting. (How fair would it be to the Howler for her parents to be out of their minds--I mean, MORE out of their minds than they currently are?)
I'm really enjoying reading the comment thread and experiences shared on this post. I've given away most of my baby stuff, but I'm not sure, still. It's been nearly 5 years since I had a newborn, but I'm still not sure.
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