A few days ago, my husband and I were discussing our day and Johnny kept interrupting. John finally told him, "Can you wait? I'm trying to talk to my wife." I don't know if Johnny has never heard the word "wife" before or what, but he seemed confused.
"You're not talking to your wife, you're talking to Mom!" So we explained that we are married, so that makes me the wife and John the husband.
"I want to be a wife!" he said, so we had to explain that since he's a boy, if he gets married one day, he'll be the husband.
"Can I get married to Maureen?" he asked. More explanations.
Finally, he seemed satisfied and we resumed our conversation.
Later, he brought up a classmate of his and said, "Mom, one day I'll get married with her and I'll be the husband and she'll be my wife." So I told him that, yes, if he happened to marry his preschool classmate, she would be his wife.
Then he brought up another classmate and asked if they could get married, but this time the classmate was a boy.
This time, I hesitated before answering.
For one, I didn't feel it was age appropriate to explain that if he wanted to marry another male, he wasn't allowed to by law. In addition, although we are practicing Catholics, I personally have no objection to homosexuality and I didn't want to tell him that boys can't get married to boys because that's not what I believe.
What's more, even if I did intend to teach him that being gay is a sin, I'm also just not really ready to address the subject of what exactly it means to be married. Although we have answered his few questions about babies and where they come from and why Maureen has different parts than him with simple, age appropriate explanations, we are waiting until he is a little older before offering more mature, in depth explanations.
I think it's unlikely that him asking this question means that Johnny will be gay. I think it's absolutely not a sexual thing, and that he doesn't grasp what it really means to be married. I think he asked about this boy because he is his friend. He is about a year older than Johnny, so Johnny gets what I call "big boy envy." He likes and admires this boy, but it has everything to do with being four and nothing to do with eventually being gay. At this point, I think that he doesn't differentiate between a friend who is female and a friend who is male. All he thinks about is that they are both his friends.
So all I said was, "Four year olds can't really get married. You have to wait to pick someone to marry until you are grown up." At some point, we will have to discuss the fact that sometimes boys like other boys and sometimes girls like other girls, and exactly what that means. Just not yet.
What do you think? At one point is it necessary to discuss issues such as this with a child, and how would you have answered?
"You're not talking to your wife, you're talking to Mom!" So we explained that we are married, so that makes me the wife and John the husband.
"I want to be a wife!" he said, so we had to explain that since he's a boy, if he gets married one day, he'll be the husband.
"Can I get married to Maureen?" he asked. More explanations.
Finally, he seemed satisfied and we resumed our conversation.
Later, he brought up a classmate of his and said, "Mom, one day I'll get married with her and I'll be the husband and she'll be my wife." So I told him that, yes, if he happened to marry his preschool classmate, she would be his wife.
Then he brought up another classmate and asked if they could get married, but this time the classmate was a boy.
This time, I hesitated before answering.
For one, I didn't feel it was age appropriate to explain that if he wanted to marry another male, he wasn't allowed to by law. In addition, although we are practicing Catholics, I personally have no objection to homosexuality and I didn't want to tell him that boys can't get married to boys because that's not what I believe.
What's more, even if I did intend to teach him that being gay is a sin, I'm also just not really ready to address the subject of what exactly it means to be married. Although we have answered his few questions about babies and where they come from and why Maureen has different parts than him with simple, age appropriate explanations, we are waiting until he is a little older before offering more mature, in depth explanations.
I think it's unlikely that him asking this question means that Johnny will be gay. I think it's absolutely not a sexual thing, and that he doesn't grasp what it really means to be married. I think he asked about this boy because he is his friend. He is about a year older than Johnny, so Johnny gets what I call "big boy envy." He likes and admires this boy, but it has everything to do with being four and nothing to do with eventually being gay. At this point, I think that he doesn't differentiate between a friend who is female and a friend who is male. All he thinks about is that they are both his friends.
So all I said was, "Four year olds can't really get married. You have to wait to pick someone to marry until you are grown up." At some point, we will have to discuss the fact that sometimes boys like other boys and sometimes girls like other girls, and exactly what that means. Just not yet.
What do you think? At one point is it necessary to discuss issues such as this with a child, and how would you have answered?
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5 comments:
Again, the not-yet-a-mom response, here, but I think that your answer was perfect for a 4-year-old. In fact, I think I would have been tempted to explain the whole thing because it would have been easier than contemplating a 4-year-old answer. I might have to write this down in the Parenting Notebook for future reference.
As for when to discuss the details, I think he'll let you know when he's ready, and I think you made the right decision to wait until then.
First, as an observation, if Johnny wants to get married to his friend--who happens to be a boy--then you and John must have a pretty cool marriage, including a rock-solid friendship that Johnny has seen & identified as something he wants to have.
Second, no, I don't think it's the time, at 4, to go into all the stuff about "sins" and "homosexuality" and all of that, BUT it is a good time to state the basis of what you do believe. "Generally, boys marry girls and girls marry boys. That's what Daddy & I like about being married." Or whatever.
I'd lean on the "4 year olds do not get married" and let him discover the "normal" things about marriage himself--you and John model a lot of this without even being aware of it, and you're lucky that Johnny is picking up on the good stuff about marriage.
Since my sister is getting married in September and Collin is in the wedding we've been answering a lot of questions about marriage. He watched the video of my wedding and wanted to know why he wasn't in it yet. I explained that he wasn't born yet which led to more qu*+estions. So I explained that Mommy and Daddy loved each other so much that we had a special ceremony in the church that meant we promised to love and respect each other for the rest of our lives. I then explained that once we'd been married God decided we had so much love to give that he helped up create a baby. Then I explained that he grew in my belly until God decided it was time for him to be born. I tried to keep it pretty basic and simple and in terms he could understand. The answers seemed to satisfy him at the time. As of right now he's decided that girls are yucky and he doesn't like them. According to him, Grammy and I aren't real girls so we're not yucky. Thankfully, I haven't gotten the can I marry my friend question yet. If I do, I'm going to do just what you did and tell him that right now he's too young to make that choice. He can decide who to marry when he's much older.
I think you handled this quite well. We've had similar conversations with our kids because they have classmates and friends with two mommies or two daddies. We try to be as honest as we can in answering their questions, but there have been times we've just said, "There's more we'll talk about when you're ready." Their acceptance of that line means, I think, that they aren't ready to go further, so it's fine.
I think you handled it beautifully, I think that Johnny feeling comfortable enough to talk these things over with you is a major indicator that he feels that you answer his questions truthfully and he is content with your response...well done MommyK!!!
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