I just witnessed something that has me really upset.
I went grocery shopping and while I was checking out, there was a child having a fit at the Starbucks area of the store. He was 8 or 9 or maybe even older, and clearly had a developmental disability. He was screaming, thrashing his body around, flapping his arms. The two adults with him were physically restraining him while he did this.
People were staring. Pointing. Making comments. Rolling their eyes.
The cashier who was scanning my groceries is a young guy, maybe 19 or 20. He kept saying things like, "If that were my kid, I'd just hit him." Or, "People shouldn't be allowed to take kids like that out in public."
I had to physically bite my lip to keep from telling him to shut the F up. I never say the F word. I was very angry. What the hell does he know about it? The adults with the boy were obviously struggling and the last thing they needed were snide comments from teenage idiots. Now I'm wishing that I had said something to him.
As I left, I just kept on walking, but I feel like I should have stopped and asked if they needed help or if there was anything I could do.
I have no experience with special needs children and I have no idea what the "etiquette" of a situation like this is. Is it okay to offer help? Or is it better to just stay out it?
Suggestions?
I went grocery shopping and while I was checking out, there was a child having a fit at the Starbucks area of the store. He was 8 or 9 or maybe even older, and clearly had a developmental disability. He was screaming, thrashing his body around, flapping his arms. The two adults with him were physically restraining him while he did this.
People were staring. Pointing. Making comments. Rolling their eyes.
The cashier who was scanning my groceries is a young guy, maybe 19 or 20. He kept saying things like, "If that were my kid, I'd just hit him." Or, "People shouldn't be allowed to take kids like that out in public."
I had to physically bite my lip to keep from telling him to shut the F up. I never say the F word. I was very angry. What the hell does he know about it? The adults with the boy were obviously struggling and the last thing they needed were snide comments from teenage idiots. Now I'm wishing that I had said something to him.
As I left, I just kept on walking, but I feel like I should have stopped and asked if they needed help or if there was anything I could do.
I have no experience with special needs children and I have no idea what the "etiquette" of a situation like this is. Is it okay to offer help? Or is it better to just stay out it?
Suggestions?
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9 comments:
Oh, I think I would have been biting my lip with you. I'm not sure what the "right" thing to do is...Sometimes offering help is great, sometimes people are offended by it.
I once smiled at a cute little boy in the store only to have his mother bite my head off. She said I was "staring" at her son and was ready to tackle me. We were at Chuck E Cheese a few weeks back for a birthday party and I witnessed a woman who was probably no more than 20 physically striking a boy who was probably 7 or 8. I'm not sure if it was her son or a relative but the "woman" was more into the games than the boy. Everytime he went near her, she smacked him over the head and the back of his neck. I was almost in tears watching the unwarranted abuse. I so badly wanted to say something, but felt like I would have been putting myself in a position where the woman would have been doing the same to me... Sigh...
Oh my gosh...you have totally struck a cord with me here. We've been dealing with some issues with my 5 year old daughter that resemble what you witnessed. She hasnt' had anything quite as bad as you described in public yet but close. I called her 'special needs' a while back on one of my posts and I'm not sure I should have done that. For one...I hate labels especially on children. BUt also, she's not "technically" special needs...I just said that b/c raising a child like her is like raising a child with special needs. It predicts a lot of your life and you are no longer "normal". You can't just go out and do things or leave on time many times. It prevents you from a lot of things.
We're have not come to any diagnoses or conclusions with Kenzie yet. We've had her hormones tested and they are all fine...thank God! It might just be that she is a really emotional child and always will be so I need to model self control to her 100% of the time in order to help her (not an easy thing to do!) Sometimes there is no rest with her around...even in the middle of the night! And sometimes she's an angel child!!
It warmed my heart that you had the compassion that you did on that family. I assure you that they feel like they are fighting a loosing battle! I'm in the process of learing not to care what others think or say or even trying to live to their standards becaue they simply do not know what we go thru. But until recently it would almost cripple me! And neither would have I until recently. A simmple consequence or spanking does nothing for Kenzie when she is going thru this. Nothing. I often feels so unarmed and desperate as to what and how to do anything to teach her or give her consequences when she behaves like that. It's just not as easy as pulling out the wooden spoon or grounding her! Even though many igorant people think so!
As for not taking your kid into public...GIVE ME A BREAK! Special needs or not...they are children...human beings and have every single right to be in pulic just as much as anyone else!!! Trust me it's no fun to be that parent in public and to receive those looks! You can just see what people are thinking by their faces..."obviously that child has never been disciplined!" etc. I've had to learn to shut that all out and give my daughter what she needs at that time...whatever it may be. If "those" kinds of kids are not allowed in public then HOW will they ever learn to control themselves in public?? Ignorance really gets to me!
Now to answer your question from my opinion having been that parent...I would say that just a look of sympathy or care would be fantastic! Usually there is a routine you have to go thru with your child and you are focused on them so entertaining a stranger, as kind as they may be, will only distract the routine. But noticing that a kind caring person gives a look of UNDERSTANDING and sympathy will go a VERY LONG WAY as far as I'm concerned.
Thanks for bringing this topic up MommyK. Just knowing that you looked upon that situation with care and compassion means a lot to me!...and it was not even me! :)
Honestly, I would call up the store, give them the information on my receipt and notify the manager of the issue that they have to deal with - the cashier! He needs to keep his mouth shut - that was definitely not the time, nor the place to express his opinions.
You are much better at holding your tongue than I am. I would have told that teenage idiot exactly what I thought of his comments, right then and there. Not in a mean/condescending way, but in a stern, straight to the point way.
I'm not sure if there is any sort of "etiquette" in a situation like this. It is probably better to stay out of it as the parents know that this is an issue that they need to work through. I'm sure that they were embarrassed as it was, so if someone offered to help, it may just add to the embarrassment.
I would have said something to the cashier...the other day a former employee came into the store and he had friend with him. Two young guys who can be a little "fresh", but never with me. They were fooling around, being silly and the friend called the former employee "gay". I looked him in the eye and told him that he was not allowed to speak like that in my store, if he ever spoke like that again I'd kick him out and ban him.
That was all it took, he backed right down and understood that he had overstepped...
The family dealing with the child...that is a hard situation to be in, if there was a moment when they were looking around I might have offered some help...but if they were kind of focused on the immendiate scene I would have let them be.
My nephew is a special needs child, and we have gone thru that exact process many times. The snide comments hurt (especially my SIL). You can't predict when your child will do this. I know different people have offered to help, although with my nephew, you just have to 'wait it out' until he's done his 'fit'. Offers to help are appreciated. It's embarrassing enough to have to go thru the entire process without all the nasty looks and comments
Thank you for your tender heart in this.
You obviously have a wonderful heart or this wouldn't stay with you the way it has.
I would have said something to the cashier along the lines of "You have no idea what it must be like to parent a disabled child and I hope you never do, but you would be well served to show some compassion for those who do."
At least I hope I would have. Honestly? I would consider going back to that store and finding that cashier and basically telling him that his comment upset you and why - in a totally nice and non-confrontational way. I guarantee you, he will never forget it and you will feel you have done your part to dispel ignorance.
Something to think about...
I always have a hard time when a child is involved...very hard to deal with. Very sad.
I already told you what I thought about this, but I was interested to read the comment thread.
I'm trying very hard to wait and see before making judgments. Last week we were in a store and it was very busy and these two young women were blocking the aisle. It looked like teenagers messing around and being silly. My gut reaction was to be irritated, but as I watched I realized one of the girls was severely handicapped and the other was helping her through the store so she could do her Christmas shopping.
I don't have a special needs child, but I worked with kids with special needs for 7 years. Unfortunately, no matter where you go, there are ignorant people who judge without any compassion. Clearly the parents were doing the best they could under the circumstances. I agree that offering help might have been more of a distraction, but offering a nod or smile of encouragement and compassion would go a long way. As for the cashier, I don't know if I'd have had the guts to say anything, but I would have wanted to.
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