The Inevitable Parental Guilt

Yesterday, I posted about the things that we learn as parents and the knowledge that would have come in handy ahead of time.

Today, I'd like to focus on one aspect of that post, and that is guilt.

An anonymous commenter said, "I have never not once felt that it was a dumb idea to have kids."

To you, I say, "Great!" Me either. My kids might test my limits and push my buttons sometimes, but I have never entertained the thought that maybe having them wasn't such a great idea. Not even in a joking way.

However, I have at times thought, "This is not the way I pictured it."

Like the time I had two kids with horrible respiratory viruses and wasn't feeling well myself and spent the whole day consoling whiny, snotty, fussy children. By bedtime, I was exhausted, touched out, ready to sit outside in a snow storm if that's what it took to get five minutes of silence.

Or feeling like I'd been sucker punched when confronted with a toddler who screamed down the house because I gave him blueberry yogurt when he wanted peach. Who knew what volume tired kids are capable of?

Or the immense loneliness and isolation.

Or the challenges of dealing with a three-year-old.

Here's something else I never expected. Postpartum depression. I never saw it coming. Never. I never would have expected it and I never could have predicted how bad it really was. I realize that I have not delved too deeply into my experience with PPD in writing about my life with kids, and that's because it is incredibly personal and was incredibly frightening and I'm not sure that I'm ready to share that. I don't know that I'll ever be able to share that. In truth, it was bad, very bad and even my husband doesn't have a full grasp of exactly how bad it was. (However, Anne, if you would like to talk about it, it was immensely helpful to lean on other mothers who had been there. My email address is in my sidebar.)

Ambivalence during pregnancy is common, even among planned pregnancies. It can be hard to get excited about something that makes you vomit four times before noon or that presses so heavily on your sciatic nerve that you can't walk. I'm talking about that vague disquiet that might surface, in which you wonder about this life altering step you are taking, if you'll be any good at it, if you're ready, what kind of parent you will be. Some of my readers have mentioned doubting their ability to love a second child as much as a first. Others have mentioned the heavy dose of inadequacy that a small child can create in an otherwise confident person.

What about the mother whose first child is still a baby when she finds out she is pregnant again? Or the mother of three boys who desperately wants a girl, then finds out her fourth child is also male? Or the mother who wasn't even sure if she wanted to have another baby, then unexpectedly becomes pregnant?

It's pretty much accepted now that it is normal to have mixed emotions before the baby is born, but why is it not okay to talk about mixed emotions afterwards?

Should this father feel guilty for not immediately bonding with his son?

I personally haven't wondered if motherhood was a bad idea, but other mothers and fathers have, maybe only deep in the recesses of their minds. And I don't think that's something to feel ashamed of or something to judge.

The more difficult aspects of parenting are balanced out by the wonderful parts. The sick children slumber peacefully while their mother gazes at their faces and thanks God for giving them to her. The toddler decides to feed the unacceptable blueberry yogurt to his baby sister and his mom is touched by his gentleness. The three-year-old learns to communicate better. The depression lifts and the lonely mom discovers a whole community of bloggy friends, finds her niche as a mom and reinvents herself.

The guilt will always be there in some form or another, but your triumphs will always overshadow the moments in which you second guess yourself.

Feel parental guilt? Congratulations, you're human.