Many a mom blogger has written about women and friendship and how motherhood can take those relationships and change them.
Mary at Not Before 7 wrote about it. So did Becky at Boys Rule My Life. InTheFastLane did too.
Having children certainly has a way of affecting how many friends we have or who we keep in touch with and who fades into the past or how we meet people and on what level we connect with other women. I wrote about how my friendships took a serious hit after I became a mom a few months ago.
No matter what the focus of these posts on women and their friends is, be it feeling lonely or isolated or having to have someone taller than three feet to talk to or the importance of having a female friend to confide in, each of these posts has something in common: other women saying, "Me too."
It would seem we're all in the same boat.
I never really gave that much thought to how fatherhood has affected my husband's friendships though, so I read an article in Parenting Magazine on fatherhood and friendship with interest. (The piece is titled "Friendly Fire: Why The First Casualty Of Fatherhood Is Your Buddies, " by James Glave. The magazine doesn't seem to have the article on their site, otherwise I would link to it.)
What I found to be the biggest truth in this piece is the author's acknowledgement of the difference between male friendships and female friendships. Men just don't call each other up on the phone to gab, and they don't get together just to catch up like women do. And I think that makes keeping up friendships with other men difficult because of the availability factor.
When I see my friends, it's usually during the day and it's usually with another stay-home mom. Even then, it can be difficult to find a time to get together with a friend that doesn't interfere with naptime or lunch time or gymnastics class or preschool. But a weekday playdate doesn't get in the way of time with my husband. I don't see much of my friends in the evenings though. Despite our best intentions, Jane, Erin and I haven't managed to get out again for Mom's Night Out. One of us is always working or pregnant or busy.
My husband doesn't have the same options for getting together with his friends during the day because he and they are at work all day. When they do get together, it's almost always a last minute decision, an email sent out at 430 saying, "Anyone up for grabbing a drink after work?" For the most part, when he calls his friends on the phone, it's with the specific intent of making plans or asking questions, and I don't think he has ever gotten together with a friend just to go for a walk or sit around and talk.
I showed my husband the article in Parenting and asked him if it rang true for him. He said yes, it some ways it does, but in other ways it hasn't been fatherhood getting in the way of friendships as it has been plain old life. As he and his friends get older, they get married, buy houses, have kids, work longer hours and all that leaves fewer opportunities to get together. He sees less of his childless friends because those friends still have wives and inlaws and commitments. Between family dinners and couple time and painting the house and working in the garden, there's not much left for friends.
I know the value of a friend and I know how isolating it can be to be a parent, so I've really tried to make sure that my husband gets to do things with his friends. If he calls me and asks if I mind if he goes to Happy Hour with the guys from work, I don't object unless I have a good reason (like a sick kid, etc). He started sailing again a few weeks ago, crewing on a racing boat on Wednesday nights. I work Wednesdays, so that means a long evening for me, by myself with the kids, but I don't feel like I could keep him from doing something that he enjoys. And I acknowledge that even the most secure couples still need the perspective of someone they're not married to, and even if all the guys are doing is sitting around drinking beer and talking about sports, it's still important time. Friends remind us of who we were before spouses and kids, keep us grounded when we need it and hold us up when things get tough.
How has fatherhood affected your spouse and his friendships?
Mary at Not Before 7 wrote about it. So did Becky at Boys Rule My Life. InTheFastLane did too.
Having children certainly has a way of affecting how many friends we have or who we keep in touch with and who fades into the past or how we meet people and on what level we connect with other women. I wrote about how my friendships took a serious hit after I became a mom a few months ago.
No matter what the focus of these posts on women and their friends is, be it feeling lonely or isolated or having to have someone taller than three feet to talk to or the importance of having a female friend to confide in, each of these posts has something in common: other women saying, "Me too."
It would seem we're all in the same boat.
I never really gave that much thought to how fatherhood has affected my husband's friendships though, so I read an article in Parenting Magazine on fatherhood and friendship with interest. (The piece is titled "Friendly Fire: Why The First Casualty Of Fatherhood Is Your Buddies, " by James Glave. The magazine doesn't seem to have the article on their site, otherwise I would link to it.)
What I found to be the biggest truth in this piece is the author's acknowledgement of the difference between male friendships and female friendships. Men just don't call each other up on the phone to gab, and they don't get together just to catch up like women do. And I think that makes keeping up friendships with other men difficult because of the availability factor.
When I see my friends, it's usually during the day and it's usually with another stay-home mom. Even then, it can be difficult to find a time to get together with a friend that doesn't interfere with naptime or lunch time or gymnastics class or preschool. But a weekday playdate doesn't get in the way of time with my husband. I don't see much of my friends in the evenings though. Despite our best intentions, Jane, Erin and I haven't managed to get out again for Mom's Night Out. One of us is always working or pregnant or busy.
My husband doesn't have the same options for getting together with his friends during the day because he and they are at work all day. When they do get together, it's almost always a last minute decision, an email sent out at 430 saying, "Anyone up for grabbing a drink after work?" For the most part, when he calls his friends on the phone, it's with the specific intent of making plans or asking questions, and I don't think he has ever gotten together with a friend just to go for a walk or sit around and talk.
I showed my husband the article in Parenting and asked him if it rang true for him. He said yes, it some ways it does, but in other ways it hasn't been fatherhood getting in the way of friendships as it has been plain old life. As he and his friends get older, they get married, buy houses, have kids, work longer hours and all that leaves fewer opportunities to get together. He sees less of his childless friends because those friends still have wives and inlaws and commitments. Between family dinners and couple time and painting the house and working in the garden, there's not much left for friends.
I know the value of a friend and I know how isolating it can be to be a parent, so I've really tried to make sure that my husband gets to do things with his friends. If he calls me and asks if I mind if he goes to Happy Hour with the guys from work, I don't object unless I have a good reason (like a sick kid, etc). He started sailing again a few weeks ago, crewing on a racing boat on Wednesday nights. I work Wednesdays, so that means a long evening for me, by myself with the kids, but I don't feel like I could keep him from doing something that he enjoys. And I acknowledge that even the most secure couples still need the perspective of someone they're not married to, and even if all the guys are doing is sitting around drinking beer and talking about sports, it's still important time. Friends remind us of who we were before spouses and kids, keep us grounded when we need it and hold us up when things get tough.
How has fatherhood affected your spouse and his friendships?
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1 comment:
I think that my husband does pretty much the same amount with his friends as before, except, probably a lot less golf since golf seems to take up at least half a day.
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