Love, Marriage, Compromise and Compatibility

I've been thinking about the subject of marriage and the people we choose to marry since Valentine's Day, when I read this post by Don Mills Diva, in which she says she thought long and hard about the man who became her husband.

Today is John and my wedding anniversary. Six years. We've been together for eight. Had you told me that I would have spent eight years with the same man, I probably would have said, "No way!" But now, having done just that, I can't really recall my life before John came into it.

The thing is, I don't believe in soul mates either. Had we not met, I'm sure we would both have gone on to meet and marry other people. And be happy.

We did meet and we did get married and we are happy. The marriage works. But not because we were meant to be, because our marriage was fate, because it was written in the stars. It works because we make it work.

When we were engaged, we had to attend marriage prep classes as required by the Archdiocese of Baltimore. We chose the option where we met with a sponsor couple for two hour sessions and talked about everything from the role of the church in a marriage to fertility awareness as birth control and the balance of spousal responsibility. During one of the sessions, we took a test that scored our compatibility and our agreement on such topics as finances, children, inlaws and religion. We did very well on the test, even though John misread a question and answered in a manner that made it seem like I had a drinking problem. We're compatible, but that doesn't mean we're clones of one another. In fact, personality-wise, we're practically opposites.

This is not to say that every marriage can be saved by working at it or that all you need to do to make a marriage successful is to work at it. You have to be well suited in the first place. John and I have similar families, similar upbringings and similar political views. We might disagree on whether it's more fun to stay in or go out, but we agree on all the important things. So I'm not sure that two people who are complete and total opposites could make it work.

There has been a fair amount of compromise too. I would prefer he not leave his clothes on the floor. But, early in our marriage, I realized that I was wasting my time by picking up after him, because he wasn't going to change. Instead, I bought a cheap basket for him to throw his clothes in. The clothes are off the floor, I'm not forcing him to do something he's not inclined to do, and we're both happy. He endures my lack of closing the bag inside the cereal box because he knows it's not something I'm going to change. I listen to him vent about a tough day at work when I'd rather be reading or blogging because I know it will make him feel better, and he listens to my rambling dissertations on what's wrong with the health insurance business for the same reason.

Most importantly, we respect each other, and we try to keep any nastiness or rudeness or hurtfulness out of our marriage.

It works because we make it work, and our efforts enable us to remember the reason we got married in the first place. Because we love each other. And look what that love created!



Happy Anniversary, Sweetie. Here's to many more years.