One

Dear Maureen,

Today you are one year old. I can hardly believe it! Where did the time go?

When I was pregnant with you, I grieved for the relationship with Johnny that would never be the same once you were born. I feared that I would be so involved with you that he would get pushed to the side. Not exactly ignored, but how would I be able to give my undivided attention to my first born when a needy baby came into the household?

As it turned out, I was worried about the wrong things. You slept plenty and I had more than enough time with Johnny. He was the needy one, so much that some days I felt like if I didn't have to feed you, you wouldn't have been held that day. You spent much more time strapped into a swing or a bouncy seat than your brother ever did, and I will always wonder what it would have been like to have endless hours to just hold you and stroke your hair and talk to you. Hours that I didn't have because you were my second baby and life was so much more chaotic.

Today is Thanksgiving Day and it is your birthday. The past year has been filled with more joy and more self doubt than I could ever have predicted. We're a family with two children now and while it's different than being a family with one child, it's been worth every single moment. Watching Johnny be a big brother is amazing and seeing you respond to him makes my heart sing. Most of the past year is filtered through a haze of fatigue and I wonder. Did I pay enough attention to you? Do you know how much I love you?

I will always wonder if my relationship with you would have been different if you were an only child. Does your sweet, gentle nature come from being one of two, or are you that way naturally? Was your habit of being awake in the wee hours of the morning your way of ensuring that I had some special time with you, holding you and feeding you and marveling over your perfect features? Did God purposely send me an angelic, contented, happy baby because he knew I wasn't up to the rigors of chasing a ball of constant energy and that I would look to your quiet acceptance of the world around you as a balm for my frazzled nerves or to soothe my worries about being a good enough mother?

Your Daddy says that sometimes he looks at you and Johnny and feels inexplicably sad. It is truly amazing to watch you grow and learn. Life with small children can be monotonous, but while the hours go by slowly, the days and weeks have sped by and the tiny, helpless baby we brought home a year ago is long gone. We both feel like we should be paying extra attention to every little thing that you do because your time as a child is so fleeting.

Each time I see you, your face lights up and your mouth splits open in a grin, revealing your two tiny teeth. You face every challenge with joy, and when you get frustrated, you put your head down on the floor, cry for a bit, and then get up and try again. The touch of your tiny and sometimes sticky hand on my cheek banishes my troubles, and when I look into your face, I can see the child you will become and the baby you are leaving behind. You and your brother are the most amazing things I have ever done, and if I do nothing else in my life, I can always say that I got to be your mother.

And I am, always, thankful, for the special gift from Heaven that you are.

Happy Birthday, Precious Baby Girl.

Love,
Mommy