The other day, I was reading posts at a parenting site and someone had posted a piece about having one of those days where her kids wouldn't stop fighting, whining or breaking things. She ended the post with the sentence, "Some days I feel like taking them to the zoo and leaving them there."
A reader left her an angry comment, called her a Complain-a-Mommy and revealed that she had been fighting infertility for years. Basically, she felt like the original author should be thankful for what she had and shut up about her so-called problems.
In a magazine, I read something similar by a woman who was pregnant after beating a rare form of oral cancer. She said to never feel guilty about complaining about the less comfortable aspects of pregnancy. Yes, it was a miracle that she beat her cancer and went on to become pregnant, but that didn't change the fact that she threw up a lot and had back pain.
Since it will be Thanksgiving in a few weeks, I've been thinking about this subject.
Is it OK for moms to complain about their children when other women can't have any? It is healthy to complain? If you bitch and moan about life as a parent to other people, are you being disloyal to your family?
The way I see it, having kids can be hard and pregnancy can be really rotten, and there's no harm in doing some complaining. Kids are a blessing, but they're also demanding, high maintenance and sometimes just plain annoying. Your best source of support can be from another parent who has been through it or who can offer a different perspective. Commiserating with others in the trenches can be great therapy. I've found that once I've blogged about a bad day or talked to a friend about it, a lot of times it's suddenly funny.
It's OK to complain, but it's not OK when it turns into a chance to bring up every rotten thing that has ever happened to you or every wrong that your husband or kids have committed against you. "My kids whined all day and my husband didn't say a thing and he never brings me flowers and he didn't compliment my dress six years ago."
According to this article on MSN, venting isn't always the best thing for your health either. If you have a tendency to rehash something over and over ad nauseum, you should probably keep your mouth shut. Why get yourself all fired up over nothing? This is what I tell John when he comes home and starts to tell me about some idiot who cut him off in traffic. He made it home in one piece, what's the point of getting angry about someone he'll likely never see again?
As for being disloyal, I do think there is a limit to what you share. It's not fair to tell every mom you know about your frustration that your eight-year-old still wets the bed. I do think there is a line that shouldn't be crossed when it comes to respect and privacy. But occasional venting to your best friend? Not a problem.
What do you think? Is is OK to complain about things that others see as blessings?
A reader left her an angry comment, called her a Complain-a-Mommy and revealed that she had been fighting infertility for years. Basically, she felt like the original author should be thankful for what she had and shut up about her so-called problems.
In a magazine, I read something similar by a woman who was pregnant after beating a rare form of oral cancer. She said to never feel guilty about complaining about the less comfortable aspects of pregnancy. Yes, it was a miracle that she beat her cancer and went on to become pregnant, but that didn't change the fact that she threw up a lot and had back pain.
Since it will be Thanksgiving in a few weeks, I've been thinking about this subject.
Is it OK for moms to complain about their children when other women can't have any? It is healthy to complain? If you bitch and moan about life as a parent to other people, are you being disloyal to your family?
The way I see it, having kids can be hard and pregnancy can be really rotten, and there's no harm in doing some complaining. Kids are a blessing, but they're also demanding, high maintenance and sometimes just plain annoying. Your best source of support can be from another parent who has been through it or who can offer a different perspective. Commiserating with others in the trenches can be great therapy. I've found that once I've blogged about a bad day or talked to a friend about it, a lot of times it's suddenly funny.
It's OK to complain, but it's not OK when it turns into a chance to bring up every rotten thing that has ever happened to you or every wrong that your husband or kids have committed against you. "My kids whined all day and my husband didn't say a thing and he never brings me flowers and he didn't compliment my dress six years ago."
According to this article on MSN, venting isn't always the best thing for your health either. If you have a tendency to rehash something over and over ad nauseum, you should probably keep your mouth shut. Why get yourself all fired up over nothing? This is what I tell John when he comes home and starts to tell me about some idiot who cut him off in traffic. He made it home in one piece, what's the point of getting angry about someone he'll likely never see again?
As for being disloyal, I do think there is a limit to what you share. It's not fair to tell every mom you know about your frustration that your eight-year-old still wets the bed. I do think there is a line that shouldn't be crossed when it comes to respect and privacy. But occasional venting to your best friend? Not a problem.
What do you think? Is is OK to complain about things that others see as blessings?
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6 comments:
The thing about humans is that we always adapt to our new reality and then see ways in which it could be imporved. I myself dealt with infertility and count my son as a blessing every single day but I will still complain sometimes about the difficult aspects of parenthood. My mother-in-law nearly starved to death during the Nazi occupation of The Hague - it doesn't mean that she has lost the right to complain if her steak in overcooked in a restaurant. I agree with you - you just have to try and be sensitive.
My kids are the greatest blessings in the world and I am eternally gratefull for them every day. That doesn't make their whining any less annoying, or the waking up every two hours on a bad night when I have to get up at 5 for work any less exhausting. I wouldn't trade a moment of it for sure, but I will happily bemoan those moments to anyone who will listen once in a while. To the people who say you shouldn't complain, I say be careful what you wish for, you might get it-and everything that goes along with it. Complaining is fine (occasionally) as long as you don't take it too far and aren't being offensive to anyone.
I think it is fine to complain once in awhile, everything in moderation is fine.
Sometimes your just having a bad day and need to vent.
I know some people who complain about everything, I mean everything, I often wonder if anything makes them happy.
~Renae~
I had to post about this, another blog I read had an ongoing debate between a mom and a "fertility challenged" woman. Then you spoke so eloquently on the topic and I felt my comment would be too long to post here. Check it out there if you want. Great post and extremely relevant!!!
I don't feel guilty about complaining about my kids to my best friend. She has been ttc since I was pregnant with my son over 5 years ago. I very much avoid complaining about my pregnancies to her, but I don't avoid complaining about my kids. It's part of life. She calls and I'm having a rough moment, we talk about it. That's what friends do. It's hard to censor yourself around someone you are so close to. After I vent we move on to other subjects, her venting about her job, her dh, her struggles with ttc. She sometimes jokes that maybe she doesn't want to have kids after all. This doesn't offend me because we're so close. Now, I don't think I would complain about my kids to someone I don't know so well who was having problems getting pregnant.
It's unrealistic, and it's unfair.
When we see the downside as well as the upside to something (whether we voice it or not) we're able to keep the balance. If we ONLY see the downside or the upside, then we're doomed to end up miserable or delusional.
It's just one more way for someone else to make us feel badly about not being perfect. (A reminder that my kids are more good than bad isn't the problem--it's the lack of respect for my own situation that would irritate me to no end.)
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