Over the weekend, we attended an annual alumni function for one of my husband's activities in college. I was sincerely hoping that one of his former teammates would not be there this year. The last time we saw him, I could barely disguise my dislike for this person, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to bite my tongue this time.
Last year, this guy made some derisive comments about a good friend of mine. I believe his exact words were, "She's a slut," and "What a sad, sad person with so many issues."
His judgement is based on the fact that back in college, my friend had sex with several members of the team. I don't know exactly how many, but it wasn't the whole team. Not even half the team, or a quarter of it. Maybe three guys. The number isn't important. What stands out is that almost a decade later, someone that she thinks was her friend is saying these horrible things about her.
I was too flabbergasted to say anything, and by the time I figured out what I wanted to say, the moment had passed. But if I could go back, I would tell him this: that my friend, and many women like her, sleep with men as a way to validate themselves. No matter how much they talk about being in the moment, or being a liberated woman not bound by monogamy, what they are doing is using sex as a salve for wounded self esteem. I have yet to meet a woman who can truly separate sex from feelings. If a man wants to be close to her in the most intimate way possible, that makes her desirable. Being desirable makes her whole. It makes her feel wanted. One of the men involved was the first man my friend ever really loved, but she was just a diversion to him.
The point this guy has completely missed is that it is men like him who "create" women like my friend. When men treat sex like sport, when they use, abuse and discard women, when they lie, cheat and brag about their conquests, they chip away at the worth of women and they perpetuate the image of the uber-male--strong, rich, chauvinistic, one who sows his oats widely. Because if you're a sensitive guy, if you admit you have feelings, or heaven forbid talk about them, if you don't treat women like trash and rack up sexual partners like notches on a belt, then you are not a man. You're gay or you are weak.
Women can only be used so much before they start to lose faith in their own self worth and start to blame themselves. They accept such treatment as normal, even deserved, and don't demand the level of respect every person should have. They make unhealthy choices about the men they allow into their lives, and settle for something so much less than they should. How are we supposed to teach our daughters to be strong when we feel so badly about ourselves? How are we supposed to teach our sons to respect women as fellow humans when we let grown men push us around, insult us, use us and marginalize us?
The double standard is still firmly in place. This guy is well known for being a self proclaimed Casanova, for his long line of girlfriends and one night stands. He's probably slept with dozens of women; yet no one calls him a slut or makes judgement on his character based on what he does with his penis. In fact, it's precisely what he does with his penis, his skills and charisma and ability to charm women into hopping into bed with him that makes him "The Man."
Still, my friend, and so many like her, are the object of ridicule and get the dreaded Reputation for the exact same behavior. Because everyone knows that men can't control their sex drives and that women aren't supposed to like sex.
It's 2007, yet prehistoric expectations of women still abound. If a woman is powerful, successful, liberated or smart, she's a bitch, a slut, a ballbreaker. Some men are intimidated by that and cover their insecurity with insults and machismo. Personally, I'd rather have a man who appreciates and celebrates me for everything that makes me special; someone who isn't afraid to say, "Look at my wife. She's beautiful *and* smart and deserves to be treated like a human being." To me, that is sexier than big muscles or a fat wallet.
My friend now has a husband who treats her like a queen. It's reassuring to know that there are still good guys out there. It's time to bury these archaic notions of what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman. Who's with me?
Last year, this guy made some derisive comments about a good friend of mine. I believe his exact words were, "She's a slut," and "What a sad, sad person with so many issues."
His judgement is based on the fact that back in college, my friend had sex with several members of the team. I don't know exactly how many, but it wasn't the whole team. Not even half the team, or a quarter of it. Maybe three guys. The number isn't important. What stands out is that almost a decade later, someone that she thinks was her friend is saying these horrible things about her.
I was too flabbergasted to say anything, and by the time I figured out what I wanted to say, the moment had passed. But if I could go back, I would tell him this: that my friend, and many women like her, sleep with men as a way to validate themselves. No matter how much they talk about being in the moment, or being a liberated woman not bound by monogamy, what they are doing is using sex as a salve for wounded self esteem. I have yet to meet a woman who can truly separate sex from feelings. If a man wants to be close to her in the most intimate way possible, that makes her desirable. Being desirable makes her whole. It makes her feel wanted. One of the men involved was the first man my friend ever really loved, but she was just a diversion to him.
The point this guy has completely missed is that it is men like him who "create" women like my friend. When men treat sex like sport, when they use, abuse and discard women, when they lie, cheat and brag about their conquests, they chip away at the worth of women and they perpetuate the image of the uber-male--strong, rich, chauvinistic, one who sows his oats widely. Because if you're a sensitive guy, if you admit you have feelings, or heaven forbid talk about them, if you don't treat women like trash and rack up sexual partners like notches on a belt, then you are not a man. You're gay or you are weak.
Women can only be used so much before they start to lose faith in their own self worth and start to blame themselves. They accept such treatment as normal, even deserved, and don't demand the level of respect every person should have. They make unhealthy choices about the men they allow into their lives, and settle for something so much less than they should. How are we supposed to teach our daughters to be strong when we feel so badly about ourselves? How are we supposed to teach our sons to respect women as fellow humans when we let grown men push us around, insult us, use us and marginalize us?
The double standard is still firmly in place. This guy is well known for being a self proclaimed Casanova, for his long line of girlfriends and one night stands. He's probably slept with dozens of women; yet no one calls him a slut or makes judgement on his character based on what he does with his penis. In fact, it's precisely what he does with his penis, his skills and charisma and ability to charm women into hopping into bed with him that makes him "The Man."
Still, my friend, and so many like her, are the object of ridicule and get the dreaded Reputation for the exact same behavior. Because everyone knows that men can't control their sex drives and that women aren't supposed to like sex.
It's 2007, yet prehistoric expectations of women still abound. If a woman is powerful, successful, liberated or smart, she's a bitch, a slut, a ballbreaker. Some men are intimidated by that and cover their insecurity with insults and machismo. Personally, I'd rather have a man who appreciates and celebrates me for everything that makes me special; someone who isn't afraid to say, "Look at my wife. She's beautiful *and* smart and deserves to be treated like a human being." To me, that is sexier than big muscles or a fat wallet.
My friend now has a husband who treats her like a queen. It's reassuring to know that there are still good guys out there. It's time to bury these archaic notions of what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman. Who's with me?
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